For your own health and the general good of society, I need you to find Jesus. If He doesn't work for you, take up yoga or progressive muscle relaxation - maybe even give Valium a try. Better yet, seek counseling from a licensed therapist. Because buddy, you don't know me, but you seem CRAZY.
I'm the lady seated next to you on the patio at Wild Wing Cafe in North Charleston today. Instead of a nice lunch with my mother, I was treated to your delightful 45 minute diatribe of filth. Your performance of what I can only assume was a toddler's temper tantrum was truly inspired. FYI - in most civilized society, when the lovely woman dining with you repeatedly begs you ssshhhh, you really should shut up.
Given that the ACTUAL child at your table seems to still be of an impressionable age, I strongly encourage you to expand your vocabulary. As something of a word-enthusiast myself, I was impressed with your highly diverse use of expletives. Who hasn't marveled at the myriad nuances of the F-Bomb? It won Matt Damon and Ben Affleck an Oscar for Good Will Hunting. Pretty sure I read an article about how people who swear are more creative, too. But time and place, man. Time and place. Sunday supper on the Wild Wings patio crawling with kids is neither time nor place.
Judgy vocabulary critique aside, here's an observation I think is relevant. In the course of about an hour, you had not one positive thing to say about anything. And I do mean anything. It became like car bingo for us, waiting to see if you were pleased with or grateful for absolutely anything in your life. Cute kid, incredibly patient woman, decent life according to your humble brags, name brand clothes, several beers, table full of food, and my *happy* bingo board stayed blank.
If it were *racial slur* bingo, the winnings still wouldn't be enough to tip the waitress what she deserves for putting up with you. Alexis was one of the best waitresses I've ever had there. That's right, she has a name, and it's not the word you were using. You know that beer you lied about waiting for for so long? I tipped her double because she didn't pour it over your head. If she had doused you with it, I'd have left even more.
We made sure to let the manager know how things really went down. I think "ass-hat" is the term I used (quietly in private conversation with another adult... like I said, time and place).
You were trying to con the meal for free when we left; I hope that didn't work. If you're going to lie about how great the service always IS at the other location where you eat ALL THE TIME, you really shouldn't have specified the one downtown. Yeah, see, I loved that place, too. I was really bummed when they closed 18 months ago.
Maybe you're a great guy having a bad day.
Maybe you just need somebody to tell you to quit being an ass-hat.
Quit being an ass-hat.
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