Most useless blog in the world: June 2013

BBCBreaking: Man charged over explosion at Lincolnshire constituency office of Tory MP Nick Boles

via Twitter / BBCBreaking http://twitter.com/BBCBreaking/statuses/344551403676631041

Here's What the PS4 Looks Like in Person

The Best and Worst Redesigns of PRISM's Atrocious PowerPoint

iOS 7: The Complete Video Walkthrough and Hands On

The Best Media Streaming Box Is Your Deal of the Day

So Far, Next-Gen Is Being Won By Crap You Can Already Do

BBCBreaking: PHOTO: Clashes continue in #Taksim Square between Turkish police and protesters http://t.co/DOj3dw2xVA http://t.co/NBaP1wBHtv

BBCBreaking: PHOTO: Clashes continue in #Taksim Square between Turkish police and protesters http://t.co/DOj3dw2xVA http://t.co/NBaP1wBHtv

via Twitter / BBCBreaking http://twitter.com/BBCBreaking/statuses/344523800303513600

What About Apple TV?

The Privacy Dangers of a Cashless Society Were Clear Over 40 Years Ago

Here's the First 5.0 GHz CPU You Can Actually Buy

A Robotic Moving Touchscreen That Touches Back

BBCBreaking: Police make 6 arrests in London, as demonstrations take place ahead of next week's #G8 summit in Northern Ireland http://t.co/vYcCpw0Jay

BBCBreaking: Police make 6 arrests in London, as demonstrations take place ahead of next week's #G8 summit in Northern Ireland http://t.co/vYcCpw0Jay

via Twitter / BBCBreaking http://twitter.com/BBCBreaking/statuses/344449678248656897

How to Get the Best Features of iOS 7 Right Now

BBCBreaking: South Korea says high level talks with the North, planned for Wednesday, have been called off

BBCBreaking: South Korea says high level talks with the North, planned for Wednesday, have been called off

via Twitter / BBCBreaking http://twitter.com/BBCBreaking/statuses/344407375744225281

BBCBreaking: #Turkey Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan defends tactics of police who raided #Taksim Square on Tuesday http://t.co/Gil8tXUXmx

BBCBreaking: #Turkey Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan defends tactics of police who raided #Taksim Square on Tuesday http://t.co/Gil8tXUXmx

via Twitter / BBCBreaking http://twitter.com/BBCBreaking/statuses/344393554170347520

Here's the List of Macs Compatible With OS X Mavericks

BBCBreaking: Turkish PM Recep Tayyip Erdogan says demonstrators have hijacked environmental concerns to cause vandalism

BBCBreaking: Turkish PM Recep Tayyip Erdogan says demonstrators have hijacked environmental concerns to cause vandalism

via Twitter / BBCBreaking http://twitter.com/BBCBreaking/statuses/344384609389273089

BBCBreaking: Two serving prison officers arrested by UK police investigating inappropriate payments to public officials http://t.co/WeKtTPg071

BBCBreaking: Two serving prison officers arrested by UK police investigating inappropriate payments to public officials http://t.co/WeKtTPg071

via Twitter / BBCBreaking http://twitter.com/BBCBreaking/statuses/344383078975807488

The Majority of the US Population Support Government Phone Tracking

Monday, June 10, 2013

PS4 Has a 500GB Hard Drive and the PS4 Eye Costs $60 Extra

Alienware's Hefty New Light-Up Laptops Are Available Right Now

Sony PS4: Everything You Need to Know (Updating)

BBCBreaking: At least 70 people killed in attacks on checkpoints and markets in #Iraq on Monday http://t.co/VCjET1GaVb

BBCBreaking: At least 70 people killed in attacks on checkpoints and markets in #Iraq on Monday http://t.co/VCjET1GaVb

via Twitter / BBCBreaking http://twitter.com/BBCBreaking/statuses/344207231643947010

This Is the Most Awesomerest Feature in Apple iOS 7

All the New iOS Features Your Old iPhone Won't Get

You Can Now Preorder an Xbox One

What Do You Think of the New Mac Pro Design?

This Is What Android Fragmentation Looks Like

A Fully Fledged Android Tablet for $130 Is Your Deal of the Day

iOS 7's Control Center Finally Puts Settings At Your Fingertips

The New MacBook Air Comes Packing Intel's Awesome New Processor

Apple Maps Is Coming to Your Desktop

Apple Just Fixed the Single Dumbest Thing About OS X

BBCBreaking: Duke of Edinburgh 'comfortable and in good spirits' but will rest for two months after hospital stay, palace says http://t.co/byskOk2IIb

BBCBreaking: Duke of Edinburgh 'comfortable and in good spirits' but will rest for two months after hospital stay, palace says http://t.co/byskOk2IIb

via Twitter / BBCBreaking http://twitter.com/BBCBreaking/statuses/344136224631554048

NBA Players Read Mean Tweets About Themselves

BBCBreaking: Nelson #Mandela's ex-wife Winnie Madikizela-Mandela arrives at hospital where he is in serious condition http://t.co/9wKVAlxIHM

BBCBreaking: Nelson #Mandela's ex-wife Winnie Madikizela-Mandela arrives at hospital where he is in serious condition http://t.co/9wKVAlxIHM

via Twitter / BBCBreaking http://twitter.com/BBCBreaking/statuses/344097925233774594

BBCBreaking: Former Coronation Street actor Andrew Lancel, who played Frank Foster in the soap, cleared of indecently assaulting 15-year-old boy

BBCBreaking: Former Coronation Street actor Andrew Lancel, who played Frank Foster in the soap, cleared of indecently assaulting 15-year-old boy

via Twitter / BBCBreaking http://twitter.com/BBCBreaking/statuses/344096735238447104

7 Bizarre Apple Products That Were Just Too Weird to Exist

BBCBreaking: Nelson #Mandela remains "serious but stable" in hospital, South Africa's government says http://t.co/O8fB2FImRX

BBCBreaking: Nelson #Mandela remains "serious but stable" in hospital, South Africa's government says http://t.co/O8fB2FImRX

via Twitter / BBCBreaking http://twitter.com/BBCBreaking/statuses/344012156049690625

BBCBreaking: Market bombings north of Baghdad kill at least 12 people and injure dozens http://t.co/RQUmsMeVrh

BBCBreaking: Market bombings north of Baghdad kill at least 12 people and injure dozens http://t.co/RQUmsMeVrh

via Twitter / BBCBreaking http://twitter.com/BBCBreaking/statuses/343996516576415744

BBCBreaking: At least 12 people reported killed in a series of bomb attacks in the Iraqi capital Baghdad

BBCBreaking: At least 12 people reported killed in a series of bomb attacks in the Iraqi capital Baghdad

via Twitter / BBCBreaking http://twitter.com/BBCBreaking/statuses/343988975012290560

After no small amount of speculation, it seems Goggle will finally acquire Waze for $1.3 billion.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

BBCBreaking: Suspected militants launch attack close to main airport in Afghan capital, Kabul, security forces say http://t.co/N23pLlgkfk

BBCBreaking: Suspected militants launch attack close to main airport in Afghan capital, Kabul, security forces say http://t.co/N23pLlgkfk

via Twitter / BBCBreaking http://twitter.com/BBCBreaking/statuses/343892200997933059

BBCBreaking: Explosions and gunfire heard coming from international airport in Kabul, Afghan police say

BBCBreaking: Explosions and gunfire heard coming from international airport in Kabul, Afghan police say

via Twitter / BBCBreaking http://twitter.com/BBCBreaking/statuses/343889745878843392

There Was Drinkable Water On Mars According To Opportunity

What WWDC Announcements Would Warm The Cockles Of Your Heart?

BBCBreaking: Protester reported shot dead outside Iranian embassy in Lebanese capital #Beirut, security sources say

BBCBreaking: Protester reported shot dead outside Iranian embassy in Lebanese capital #Beirut, security sources say

via Twitter / BBCBreaking http://twitter.com/BBCBreaking/statuses/343687275718258690

Saturday, June 8, 2013

This Papercraft BBQ Will Make You Hungry Enough to Eat a Notebook

The Official Government Fact Sheet on What PRISM Is and Does

BBCBreaking: Turkish police use tear gas and water cannon as thousands take part in fresh protest in capital, Ankara http://t.co/1JChBU568u

BBCBreaking: Turkish police use tear gas and water cannon as thousands take part in fresh protest in capital, Ankara http://t.co/1JChBU568u

via Twitter / BBCBreaking http://twitter.com/BBCBreaking/statuses/343457092616744960

New PRISM Slide Shows NSA Taking Data Directly From Company Servers

BBCBreaking: Sudan's president orders stoppage of oil transfers through its territory from South Sudan, state media reports http://t.co/QJcDPmS2nG

BBCBreaking: Sudan's president orders stoppage of oil transfers through its territory from South Sudan, state media reports http://t.co/QJcDPmS2nG

via Twitter / BBCBreaking http://twitter.com/BBCBreaking/statuses/343412126372749312

BBCBreaking: Police appeal for witnesses after death of boy, 4, thought to have been injured in a Hugo Boss store in Oxfordshire http://t.co/Zsgv5Fr1ih

BBCBreaking: Police appeal for witnesses after death of boy, 4, thought to have been injured in a Hugo Boss store in Oxfordshire http://t.co/Zsgv5Fr1ih

via Twitter / BBCBreaking http://twitter.com/BBCBreaking/statuses/343401955592376320

Friday, June 7, 2013

Open Coffee Shop Opportunity

We are musicians looking for coffee on Thursday evenings. This is a great opportunity to get some exposure and possibly get some tips. Unfortunately at this time we cannot afford to offer any payment but we do have an excellent space with great water. We are looking for coffee that is appropriate for a musical setting . If you have other ideas we are open to them.

We have electricity and water available at no charge to you.

In the past we have had coffee in our studio and have been approached by numerous coffee makers who are willing to make coffee with this same arrangement.

If you are interested please send a link with a sample of your coffee. We will likely have those we are interested in come by and make some coffee in order to deem it appropriate for our studio.

Again, no money, but you can put out a hat, and it's great exposure.

So, bring your cups, saucers and Coffee Machines down and join in the fun!

If this goes over well, you could be featured as a guest brewer at one of our Coffee Open House nights.

Location: My Basement

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/3173453530.html

What a Vasectomy is Really Like

So I did it. Got the snip -- the tiny tubes terminated -- pinched off the old baby batter blaster -- you get the picture. While it was (as every man who has ever had it done at least one year prior will tell you) a very simple and quick procedure, I would not ever in good conscience tell another man considering it that it was anything less than a miserable experience. Most guys (fellow blank shooters) I spoke with played it down and made it sound as easy and manly as getting a few stitches after a bar brawl -- well I beg to differ. Although, all the slice-snip-burn-sew blow by blow, step by step tales I was told were frighteningly similar -- and mine is no different:

THEY TAPE YOUR DICK!!!- So after sitting slightly nervous and unquestionably cold in an ass-less gown for about 15 minutes -- periodically wiggling my pink pal just to shake out the shrinkage all the while being mindful not go full mast -- I mean who gets a hard-on in a cold doctor's office while waiting for some dude to rip open your sack and jam some scissors in the hole? Not this weirdo -- Anyhoo, the doctor & nurse bust in like they were trying to catch me jerkin' it (I'm too quick handed to worry about that) and get to work. I lay back, and ol' doc flips up the gown with the vigor and assuredness of a popular jock prom date -- pulls out and rips off about two feet of masking tape -- grabs my cock -- stretches it past my belly button -- and tapes it quite securely to my abdomen. In hindsight I think it's so my Johnson didn't retract into my pelvis as the pain, shame and discomfort slowly consumed me.

MEATBALLS IN A HOLE- The next step in prepping for the procedure was a generous coat of peroxide lathering my thighs -- then came the covering. The doc held up a dishtowel sized heavy cloth with a 3-4 inch diameter hole, well stitched and reinforced with a canvas-like material (you know, so your balls don't tear through it like wet toilet paper when they figure out what's about to happen to them). My freshly shaved scrotum poked through and also received an incredibly cold peroxide dousing. He says "this might get a little uncomfortable" and begins kneading and emulsifying my scrotum between his fingers looking for the right tube to terminate (there are a few on either side) and then came the needle. . .

YOU FEEL EVERYTHING- "You're probably going to feel a sharp pain and a some burning, but then you should not feel any pain from here on" -- Now, it's not that he was lying, but it's really not that simple. Needles don't bug me and a Novocaine shot is really not that high on the pain scale -- so far so good. Then he cut into my scrotum using some Chinese method I got a pamphlet on, but didn't give a fuck enough to read about -- felt every bit of it, but it was not painful -- numb, but sensitive enough to know exactly what was happening down there without looking. He tears me open quite aggressively (still no pain, but discomfort was creeping in) and then the snip. . ...Ooooohhhhhh the snip. I could write a 2000 adjective only essay on the sensation that shot through my lower abdomen and there is not a woman on this planet that could read it and have even a slightest inkling of what I experienced in that very moment, but it only takes four words to let a brother know -- Kicked In The Balls. Not the initial contact pain like when the foot hits the ball or the balls slap the thigh or butthole, but the stomach ache fallout that follows. It's extreme nausea without the possibility of puking AND getting the wind knocked out of you without the breathing issue AND the cold sweats of a fever without the hot skin mixed with the sharp stinging sensation (and I'm assuming here) of being stabbed.

This was the point where I made the decision not to look up and see what was going on -- let me explain: It was during the birth of our first child that I discovered something about myself that had not previously occurred to me -- blood and gore does not phase me in person. I actually cringe sometimes when watching something particularly graphic in a movie or on TV, but when I peeked over the curtain while sitting beside my beautiful and insanely brave wife and (against the advice of the doctors and nurses in the room) peered directly into my wife's open abdomen -- did not feel faint or woozy or even the slightest bit phased witnessing the c-section birth of our daughter (I think that I am one in a very small group of men that can truthfully say that my wife is indeed beautiful both inside and out). And again for my son's circumcision (it's not mutilation if it can actually help him get laid when he is of sound mind and consenting age) where I watched wide-eyed and unflinching as they pinned back and peeled off the extra skin of my infant's penis without so much as nose crinkle. It surprised me -- I felt slightly faint in anticipation both times, but not even a knee buckle once the gore was in view. Now, after all that chest pounding I will humbly admit that I was in no condition and harbored no desire to attain so much as a glimpse of what this sadistic prick was doing to the closest friends of my taped dong.

EVER WONDER WHAT BURNT SCROTUM SMELLS LIKE?- I'm not totally sure exactly what was cauterized, but I smelled it. Didn't bug me -- it's the first thing every non-lethal sharpshooter out there told me about because it was so disturbing for them -- and because of that I was mentally prepared for it. It was weird though -- worth mentioning.

THERE ARE TWO- I am well aware that I'm no genius and this may just be common sense to most men out there -- maybe it's because I never gave it very much thought -- but it is a two part procedure and that did not initially occur to me. Two places to numb, two holes to cut, two tubes to snip and remove (which look like two small sections of spaghetti noodles -- which my doctor pointed out when he showed me commenting, "hope you weren't planning on pasta for dinner tonight" -- worth the co-pay alone) because most men have. . .everybody now. . .two balls. Duh. This was both surprising and disappointing to me as the first one is no picnic and after the full frontal sense assault I was in no mood to go through it again, but it was actually a lot easier. This time I was already entirely numb and I could identify each tug and snip as landmarks along the shameful journey and I knew exactly how many more pokes and puffs of flesh smoke were left until I could get out of there and get a burrito.

. . .AND THEN I PASSED OUT- Okay, procedure's over -- doc is gone -- nurse is gone -- and it quickly becomes (painfully) obvious that I did not shave above my penis as I rip the tape -- and my pubes -- off of my abdomen. That hurt, but detaching the tape from the loose skin of my now embarrassingly small and shriveled dick helped me to forget real quick. I was not in any pain, but I instinctively got dressed and walked out of the doctor's office (yes office -- no surgical room) like a 90 year-old with osteoporosis after a 2000 mile donkey ride. I think my ego/pride/mojo was more injured than my balls. I was texting my supportive mate to come pick me up, but looked up to see her popping up from a waiting room chair -- mojo back -- posture back -- let's go eat! We carefully walked to the car and headed to the pharmacy to pick up my new best friend for the next two days. Driving along I gave my better half a quick and g-rated rundown of the procedure and about 4 miles out the car began to close in on me. The corners got dark and I warned my bride that I was going to go under for a moment and then the entire conversation we just had played back in my head at a much higher volume and furious pace -- the screaming in my mind gave way to white noise and I came to slouched in my seat and looking over at an angelic, but severely concerned companion. If getting your balls fondled and shredded by another man doesn't fuck with your self-esteem, passing out like a little girl shortly thereafter kind of closes the deal. Feel free to make fun of me.

Location: Graphic Detail

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/3148365387.html

free mug to "Fred"

Large glass mug with "Fred" etched into it. Free to anybody named Fred. Photo identification is required.

Location: Monroeville/Pittsburgh

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pit/3133745747.html

Dear God of Bass Players

Dear God of Bass Players, I, a humble singer and guitar player, and my drummer compatriot, humbly beseech thee to send us a bass player, strong of wrist, fleet of finger, and wisened in the ways of rock and roll, particularly punk, post punk, and garage. Would that this bass player be over the age of 21, so that we may drink ale together and perform at local taverns. May he or she be in possession of a vehicle with which to travel, and professional quality gear with which to produce tones most pleasing to the ear. We ask that you grant us a battle-hardened bass player, possessing knowledge of scales, so that when I say "this song is in E-minor," he or she shall comprehend. May he or she be a punctual bass player, and not a lay-about, a rogue, a ruffian or a villain. In John Entwhistle's name we pray. Amen.

Location: pdx

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/3130813075.html

Found: One Left-Handed Black Glove

Earlier today while walking along one of my favorite river embankments I found a black, left-handed glove. It looks like it might be pretty expensive so I thought I'd throw it on here.

The glove is apparently unisex, as I have the delicate hands of a woman but still looked stylish as a man when I put it on the top of my hand and posed in the mirror. I chose not to wear the glove as I have a skin condition that causes me to sweat a substance not unlike butter (but only a fraction of its deliciousness) and I wouldn't want to ruin this perfectly lovely glove.

Since I found the glove three hours ago I've tried to make the best home I can for it. We played two games of Risk (he won both!), watched a documentary about the internet and had a heated debate about Obamacare.

When I say we had a heated debate about Obamacare, I am not suggesting that the glove can speak. He simply nodded in agreement while I went over my 45 bullet points. So if you have lost a left-handed black glove that has the capabilities of speech, I apologize, this is not your glove. Your search, unfortunately, continues.

But if the glove you have lost is left-handed with a little bit of an attitude and a lot of heart, this could very well be your glove. Contact me and we will start negotiating a price. I wish I could simply return the glove to you, but I don't have much money and I want some of yours.

Location: St Louis Park, MN

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/3124338958.html

1962 International rat rod?

for sale 1962 international truckcar, has every optional that a car could have ,has frontwheel drive driveline disk brakes all around , has air bags that are in working order has oldsmobile dash with tilt cruise , power seats , air -did work but i low of freon due from setting -can drive it anywhere, every light works as well as new cab lights allready has grandam door handles installed and work great, has alloy wheels and this truck has a good title which is titled as a international, has a grand am rear with the original duel exhaust, car is fuel injected and there are no check engine lights on?everthing is in working order but the aircondition is low of freon call if interested to much to list lots of time put in this car , have to many other projects to ,do so call 555 555 5555 -no emails please -price is firm -have probly twice as much invested .-this vehicle will be sold where is as is...thanks

Location: pike

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via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/knx/3091802234.html

Gene Simmons VW Bug

70 VW Bug New engine, new tires and wheels, floor pans body restored and painted black w metal flake and pearl.

Car will be finished in 40 days (in time for concert) come see it now, buy it as is for less, or put downdeposit to hold it for you and your coolest friends to take to "Comfort Dental Ampitheater" Aug 8th.

photos are before restoration.

call with serious inquiries. texts are ignored-sorry.

555-555-5555

Location: North east metro

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via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/3083676238.html

Free Birthday Hat for a Dog!

Barely used, birthday hat for a dog. Fits all breeds of dogs, as long as they have a medium to large head. May also fit a huge cat, llama or a red panda - not recommended for lemurs. Respond to this message if interested.

Location: Bellingham, WA

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via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bli/3082670597.html

Handsome Black Man in Convoy - w4m

You were the handsome black man in the police-escorted convoy on Sansome this afternoon. I was the girl on the sidewalk...y'know..in the heels? I waved. Maybe we can get lunch?

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/3061907925.html

Summertime Romance

Are you lookin' for a summertime romance that is both consensual, yet carnal AND mental? I gotta be honest with all you babes out there, I'm gettin' sick of the playboy lifestyle. I mean, I'm not ready for anything super long term, but my man pool is definitely open for business up until the end of August, maybe September, and I'd like a 100% woman who wants to take a love dip during those hot summer nights. It's not that I'm afraid of commitment, I'm still married by the law to Ann, but she's old news in the Snooze section. A little about me, people say I'm a bad boy. But you can't judge a book by it's cover, just 'cause mine has a rockin' pony, complete with a 'rang. I drive a convertible sports car (you just gotta check it out) which is perfect for cruisin', sippin' G&Ts, and "more" (wink). I'm also a bold flavor man from way back. Whether I'm grillin' you up one of my signature steaks (complete with my special seasonings) or blowin' your mind with my world famous Bratato salad (that's my homemade mustard potato salad, with thick cut chunks of meaty Cheddarwurst mixed right in for a flavor explosion like a thousand suns. It's so money.), you'll be eatin' outta bounds, 24/7. And around me, you'll always have a fresh cold one. I'm not one of those corncobs who lets it get down to the flat & warm spit before I'm right on point with somethin' to wet your mouth down properly. If you want a mental picture of what my touch is like, just jump of a roof at 3:57 in Still of The Night by Whitesnake. (Don't really do that and get crippled, but just picture it. It's the ultimate in carnal passion.) Also, I'm always down for a Top Shelf Marg, anytime, and I'm not stingy like Dave who will buy you a marg, but then you find out it's not Top Shelf and wanna smash his face for lyin'. If these things are to your enticement, and maybe give you the lady tingles, then let's roll, you guys.

Location: Grand Blanc

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via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/fnt/3059484187.html

Five 16-ounce Pabst Blue Ribbons - w4m

Over Memorial Day weekend, I was in Boulder visiting friends. Before throwing some big ass steaks on the grill, we hit up some liquor store nearby and got the booze ready. Back at their place, we started setting things up in the back yard. I had my swimming shorts on -- some short grey numbers -- and was totally ready to go. We bought a frisbee that day to throw around as well. Shit was going to be awesome.

Having drank warm beer in the past, I learned my lesson and opted for a tastier way to indulge in my award winning beverages. Being the classy people that we are, we ignored the idea of a cooler and ice. Ice? Ice?! Fuck ice. That shit just melts and becomes cold water. Why not cut out the middle man and put the fucking beer in cold water? After all, Boulder Creek was right there and cold as, well at least as cold as melted ice.

Initially, I sat the entire guy in there. Naturally, I had pulled one for consumption and had thought that the weight of the other five beers would be enough to secure it. Alas, when the current started taking them away, I thought better and pulled them out so that two full PBRs were hanging out on the bank like giant, awesome drunk-gettin'-ya anchors. I walked away confident that I was about have some good beer with a good meal.

Then, when my idiot friend came down with a sack full of every else's beers, asking where I put mine so he could tie them all together, I pointed them out. Walking to the bank he yelled that he couldn't find them. Hating him already, I was not happy to have to walk over and point out five unmistakable tall-boys. Fighting my urge to call him names that those working in special needs fields don't approve of, I walked over. Mother Fucker! My god damned beer was gone. I immediately cursed that creek and began running downstream.

With another friend, a few lots down, we learned that some ducks were nesting nearby and that, a few lots further down, there was a gate that could have easily grabbed my beer, awaiting our reunion. Initially, I thought about how cute ducks are. Have you ever seen one get completely submerged and try to swim to the bottom for food? Adorable! Then thoughts of the duck and the empty ring I had forgotten to cut gave me a fear I don't want to attempt to put into words. No, I will not relive that. I ran down to whatever street may have had the gate and began my quest to save an animal and get drunk. Images of a poor little duck trying to sip on a Pabst when, suddenly, a nasty plastic ring grabs him by the neck, pulls him under and holds him there until his end haunted my run. And I was barefoot so my feet hurt pretty badly.

Getting to the gate, I gave up hope. The cause was lost. I would be forced to drink Miller High Life Lights and some nicer beers I don't want to talk about. I was only able to celebrate with the troops in a proper fashion for one 16 ounce can. I apologize to any of you who may have served.

This posting, clearly, is not in hopes of getting my beer back. I'm no longer in Colorado and I have since had many a Pabst Blue Ribbon. This is simply a hope that someone out there can come forward and ensure me that my quest to find the beer was not for naught. I can't sleep at night thinking that there could be five 16 ounce PBRs at the bottom of a fucking gypsy creek hell bent on fucking over our troops. If you found this beer, please let me know that you drank it and were deserving of it. How will you know if your deserving of my beer? Let's see.

Are you a veteran soaking in the glory of all you've done? You deserve it.

Are you a frat dude trying to get a girl to show you her titties down by the creek? You deserve it.

Are you a group of frat dudes trying to talk a freshlady into losing her virginity to the entire lot of you at once? She deserves it. Really, give them to her.

Are you a bum, hanging by the banks of the creek watching the water go by? Drink up, darlin'.

I'm not one to lie or embellish, so I would greatly appreciate the same from you. If you have not seen my PBR, please do not get my hopes up. I'll see through your shit. Somehow. Some. How.

Location: Boulder Creek

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via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bou/3047089697.html

Drunk Daughters 2007 BMX X3 si

Selling my disrespectful, alcohol abusing, dwi arrested, spoiled bar bum of a daughters perfect BMW X3. The is a white X3 si, with xenon headlights, panoramic roof, all beige leather interior, all options with 105,000 miles on it. Just completed it's 100,000 maintenance 2 months ago and is in complete and perfect condition with only the driver being the malfunction. We paid $20,500 12 months ago for the vehicle. Needing to sell to pay her legal battles and to buy her a shiny pink bicycle with a horn until she gets her act and her life in order some time soon. Beautiful car with no exterior, interior, or mechanical issues. Call xxx-xxx-xxxx for information or to purchase.

Location: Springfield

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via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sgf/3034986061.html

1995 Pontiac Grand AM

Location: Everett

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via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/2979885438.html

Bicycle Jump Ramp / Skateboard Ramp

Bicycle Jump Ramp or Skateboard ramp. $100 OBO

Kids don't use anymore. Surface is painted with a little bit of texture and in good shape.

12' long x 4' wide. One end is 5' high the other end is 6' high.

Delivery can be arranged if needed.

Location: Bend

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via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bnd/2971968373.html

Require Dragon Slayer

I am quite sure most of you have seen the rather large green dragon that has been flying over the north east side of Grand Rapids for the better part of a week. I am looking for someone to:

1.) Lure said dragon away from Grand Rapids to a more rural area.

2.) Force said dragon to land in rural area.

3.) Slay said dragon in whatever way you see fit.

No Pay, dragon slaying is it's own reward.

Please note that I am not talking about the red dragon that frequents the area from time to time. He and I have an agreement.

Location: Greater Grand Rapids Area

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Compensation: no pay

via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/grr/2967803311.html

Look at this crazy fish

Look at this motha fuc#*n fish, just look. His name is Captain Morgan, yes he has a popular alcoholic beverage named after him.

This guy attracts attention, especially from the ladies. He's super old, just kind of sits in the bottom of his tank and only swims around when you tap on the aquarium to give him dinner. AND OF COURSE once you tap he swims right to the surface, cuter than a freaking beagle eating a cupcake.

Like I said, super old, in fact his age is unknown. If he could talk, he would say things like 'Back in Nam,' 'Get off my grass!', and 'Where's my prune juice!?' Oh! And he has this unnatural looking growth on his side.... but it's cool. really.

He can be adopted for free, comes with his 20 gal aquarium, flakes, and all his rocks & shit. I will deliver.

Location: Spokane or CdA - Will Deliver

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via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/spk/2960584968.html

Vintage Man-Sized Pepper in a Baby Carriage

They grow up so quickly.

Giant fiberglass peppers, that is.

I remember the day I picked him up at the giant chili pepper nursery... he was so.... peppery. I may have gotten a few looks pushing him around town, but love for your children...or...vegetables, can't be swayed by strangers' judgements. Some said he had a face only a mother could love. I always said he didn't have a face.

By the time he was in his teen years though, things began to change. He was no longer the cute baby pepper I raised. He began to withdraw from me, and I started getting calls from school. Missing class, standing up to teachers (which I think was metaphorical since he doesn't have legs), it seemed that no matter what I did it would get worse and worse.

Once he got a license, I started not seeing him as much. He would come home at odd hours of the night, covered in booze and drugs. Later I would find out he was cruising for lady peppers, and having passionate pepper love- all in the bench seat of MY car, no less! As years when on, bad habits began to turn into a way of life. I would come home day after day and find the liquor cabinet raided and empty. I would cry and plead with him to stop, but he would just scoff and keep drinking. He's grown too big at this point. I can't stop him. I'm afraid I have to release him to the wild, like one of those pet alligators that grow too big and people let go in a pond (later eating everyone there).

I must warn you, he may destroy or badly influence your family. Your children. Your life. But then again, at least he's not destoying mine.

Location: Laurel, MD 20723

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via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/2958975525.html

Crucifix dobro guitar played by Funky Jesus - $priceless

Handmade one-of-a-kind squareneck resonator crucifix guitar, hand-crafted and played by Funky Jesus, winner of the 2012 Hunky Jesus competition in Dolores Park. Own a piece of San Francisco history with this rare collectible and fully functional musical instrument.

Standing at an imposing 6'6" tall and about 4 feet wide, this guitar features a string-thru mahogany tailpiece, inlaid rosewood neck with 22 frets, gold tuners, and a 5.5'' spun steel resonator cone with redwood biscuit bridge. There's even a piezo pickup mounted at the apex of the cone, with a 1/4" female output on the back, so you can plug it into your amp.

The perfect addition to your next evangelical gathering, church choir practice, death metal show, or any religious/sacrilegious event.

More pics http://imgur.com/a/Mxy0W

Make offer. Trades for motorcycles & tube amps will be considered.

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via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/2953520028.html

Did we hook up at the Megadeth/Motorhead concert? - w4m

Me: Blue hair, silver tube top, fishnets, Knee high black biker boots.

You: Red mohawk, black pentagram gauges, viper piercings.

I was grinding on you in the pit, then we went to the bathroom, and got fucked up. You had a nice cock and I was wasted so I let raw dog it in the stall.

You were really good and you had to gag me so I would make too much noise.

Anyway I'm pregnant. It's yours. contact me if you want to be part of your child's life.

Location: Aragon Ballroom

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via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/2948959310.html

Prehistoric Oval Fossil

Prehistoric Oval Fossil.

Approximately 6,000,000,000 years old

I found this many years when I was prospecting for gold in riverbed just outside of

Girdwood.

I couldn't believe that it was just sitting there because there were several people in the area and

none of them seemed to notice it at all.

Even though I have no formal geological training I know that something is old when I see it and this object is certainly old.

I had originally placed it in the backyard but the darn thing kept attracting bugs and other things that tried to burrow under it.

I suspect that it may be some sort of insect trap from some forgotten civilization but cannot be sure of this due to the age of the item.

I love this thing but the wife says that she'll leave me if I don't get rid of it.

So it's up for grabs.

Please respond via e-mail.

Location: Anchorage

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via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/anc/2925634579.html

Star Wars TIE Fighter

Have the coolest toy in your neighborhood! Approximately 1/3 scale TIE Fighter. 8x8x8 feet but breaks down into 5 pieces for easy transport in a pickup or can haul partially assembled (except for the top half of the wings) on a trailer. Wheeled casters make it easy to move once assembled. Laser cannons are set to fire standard party poppers. Well built out of 3/4 plywood with the wings sheeted in cardboard. Tested to hold over 300 pounds. Cockpit is 38 inches by 38 inches and my 5ft tall son comfortably sits inside. $150 or best offer *SOLD* 3/21

I've had hundreds of calls, texts and e-mails. For those of you that asked: I built it for our Church's AWANA annual Drive-Inn movie night. It is a father/child project where the younger kids take cardboard and build a "car" to sit in and eat popcorn and watch a movie. We kind-of go over the top every year. We built an X-Wing 2 years ago so we needed a Tie Fighter. I didn't have plans, just a sketch pad and ideas in my head. I used this to teach my 9th grader how to use the Pythagorean Theorem and get some practical application to algebra as helped build this for his younger siblings. All the edges to the body panels are 22.5 degrees. The main panels are 16x24, the front and rear panels off those are 16x12, all ¾ birch plywood. The wing struts are boxed 8 inches wide, ¾ plywood, 30 inches long. They are attached with Simpson 90 degree gussets and re-enforced with 2x2s. The lower half of the wings are 2x4 sheeted in cardboard. The upper half are 1x2 sheeted in cardboard. The wing to strut connection is a compression fitting design. If you want more detailed photos to build your own I'll e-mail them.

Location: Olympia

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via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/2911685977.html

The Onion - Writers' Room Conference Table

For sale: Writers' Room Conference Table from The Onion* (America's Finest News Source)

*Now with more sarcasm!

This table is the site where tens of thousands of millions of ideas have been conceived, developed, painfully delivered, raised, nurtured and chucked into the world. Majestic comedic charisma may be embedded into the fibrous tissue that forms this otherwise completely standard piece.

Measures 120" L x 49" W x 29" H

Makes a terribly difficult surfboard!

This once in a lifetime furniture experience is available for $10,000 or best offer

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/2911005702.html

Moral Turpitude

I was running late to make the train on my first day at my new job as a chemical engineer, so I decided to drive my car to the train station. As I pulled up to the train station, I saw the train I needed depart anyway, so I figured I'd just have to park the car and wait for the next one, which would be arriving shortly. The only parking I saw was a big parking lot with signs that said DECAL ONLY. I figured I had a village decal on my car, so I was included among the elite group of people that could park in this esteemed lot. I parked the car and went to work. During my day at work, I was worried that there was some other type of esoteric decal I should possess to park there. All I could do was hope for the best. When I got back, there was no parking ticket on my car and I was elated. I'd had a long, grueling day at work, and got back to no ticket. Additionally, I had my car there so I could easily DRIVE home, which was a great treat after being on my feet all day. I drove home feeling as though the lack of a parking ticket was the highlight of my day.

After that fateful first day of work, I began to get into the swing of things and had made a habit out of walking to the train station. It was nice to know that I could always drive though, if I needed to. Nearly two weeks after the first day, I received a mysterious piece of mail. I opened it and it was a parking ticket from that first day. Somehow it had gotten detached from my windshield and blown away. It was turned in and mailed to me. The ticket was crumpled and bleached as though it had sat outside and weathered the elements until it was delivered to me. The ticket that I received was the original one written, not a new one. This would not have been a problem, except the last day to remit payment had passed, and my $30 fine had jumped to a $100 fine. Despite feeling like this was extreme bullshit, I figured I would just pay it. I didn't have the time or the inclination to argue it in person, and I was working a good job now.

As I wrote the check for $100, I was still a little annoyed because 1. I thought I'd gotten away with it and 2. I had to pay more when it wasn't my fault. On the memo line of my check, I decided to have the last laugh. I wrote "ATTN: OFFICER FAGGOT". I dropped the check off at the police station ticket mailbox and figured that this would be the end of it.

Two days later, I got another mysterious piece of mail. I opened it up, and it was a court summons. There was a line on the form that said "CHARGE". Written on this line was the phrase "Moral Turpitude." After consulting a dictionary, I realized that this was not even a real thing in our zeitgeist. I did have a court date for several weeks later, though. I decided I would rather get this nonsense taken care of as soon as I could. I called on Wednesday to see if I could reschedule the court date. The lady on the phone was nice and said I could reschedule to Thursday evening. That sounded terrible, but I said okay.

The next day I went to court. I wore my glasses to look smart. It was not a real court, though. It looked like one but it was very small. In the room, it was just me and the judge. The judge told me about the charge against me for writing that word on the check and asked why I did it. I told him the story of thinking that I didn't have a ticket and then getting one, and the date having already been passed. I told him it was a great example of an ex post facto law. He agreed with me that this was unfair, but told me I didn't handle it in the right way and that was not what 'ex post facto' law meant. I told him that I know it wasn't mature, but that I was pretty sure that the first amendment still applied and I shouldn't be dragged to court for this. He told me he didn't write the summons and agreed with me. Then he asked me if I'd ever been in any trouble with the law before. I told him I didn't think so. He asked what that meant. I told him that there was a possibility that I have been arrested before, but I didn't think so because no charges were ever filed against me. He asked me what happened. I told him about my involvement with the Occupy protest and how they brought me to jail for civil disobedience but then let me go. He told me that he should have guessed, based on my glasses and manner of dress (like a hipster). He asked why they let me go. I told him that I was diabetic and made a big stink out of it. He told me he was diabetic too, and I was correct in guessing that it was Type II unlike my Type I diabetes. The judge asked if I had some sort of problem with law enforcement officers. I told him I did. He asked why. I said that it bothered me when cops wrote stupid parking tickets and set up speed traps and dealt with other seemingly innocuous things. I told him that when these things happen, I assume all criminals are locked up and everything is taken care of and the world is safe. He told me that he didn't agree with me, but that I was entitled to my opinion. Finally he noticed that it was starting to get late. I agreed with him and called him Judge Harry Stone, which was not his name, but I thought it made for a funny joke, given that it was night time. The judge asked if I had anything else to say, and I thought for a second and said "You can get anything you want in Alice's Restaurant". He looked confused for a second and then a wave of recognition came over his face. He said "Okay good. You're crazy. I mean, I wasn't trying to draft you or anything so it's not really...relevant here. But that was pretty funny, missy!" Finally, he ended up changing the parking ticket fine back to $30 which was a big improvement and vacated my charge of 'moral turpitude' on the grounds that it was 'stupid' (I imagine that's why).

I went outside into the hallway of the court building and was texting my friend that my legal woes were over. While I was standing there, Judge Harry Stone came out. He told me that I seemed like nothing but trouble, but had provided one of the more entertaining night court experiences he'd had in awhile. Then he asked me how old I was. I asked him why. He said because he thought it was weird that I referenced both Night Court and Arlo Guthrie during my 'deposition' but appeared to be only 20. I told him that I was 23 but I was really into pop culture. He laughed and said "Whatever" and wished me a good night. I told him to also have a good night, and that I hoped I would never see him again. He laughed and said "I wouldn't count on that." I have managed to stay out of trouble in the three days since that happened, including St. Patrick's Day, so I am feeling confident about my future of being a law abiding citizen.

And that is my story of my night in court.

Location: Chicago

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/2909185252.html

free trampoline

Ok, here's the deal-

This is a FREE trampoline. It had the enclosure netting and worked fine, although the padding and plastic around all of the springs had weathered and got shredded pretty well. Over the course of the winter (I think the week before the super bowl that we had a day with such strong winds), the trampoline was literally lifted out of our back yard over our 5' fence (and maybe not quite lifted fully because it knocked the corner post) and blew it into our neighborhood pond.

What you may do is use a very long rope or something to get it out of the pond from the road as I cannot permit you to drive in someone else's yard as it was carried into the pond 2 lots over. Once it is out of the pond, you may disassemble it and carry it out.

If this is of any interest to you, please let me know and I'll give you further details.

Location: Indy

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via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ind/2904601473.html

Lost Shark

Lost my shark today. Actually he escaped when I inadvertently gave him an opportunity. Had the back door open to cool the place off while he was hanging around. Made the mistake of opening the front door briefly and he shot out the back door. Tried to catch him while he swirled in a vortex above the deck, but the strong winds took through the trees and north. Last seen gaining altitude in a 20 knot breeze heading north of Ballard. Neighbors looked perplexed as he flew over their house. If you find him warm him up so he doesn't sink. It was quite the sad sight to see him get smaller and smaller as he blew away to the north.

Location: North of Ballard

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/2901160585.html

Hipster-ass Hipster Bike for Hipsters

I am selling my Vista Carrera 7 road bike. Perfect for the aspiring culture creator. I have recently become a Successful Entrepreneur and I no longer have the need for such trifling possessions. I drive a gigantic cargo van that literally pisses gas onto the road to mark its territory.

Do you want to be noticed? Do you want to stand out from the crowd? Sleeve tattoo didn't do the trick? Dubstep bounce remix didn't go viral? Look no further than this bike. Don't even look past it in the pictures posted below. Import it into Photoshop and delete the background. I know you know how to do it, because you're a graphic designer.

Orange body. Green accents. Pink handlebar wrap. Some silver. Black. Dirt. Are there even any more colors? There are awesome reflective stickers on the bike, too, which makes darting out in front of automobiles on dark evenings and asserting one's absolute and total right of way even more self-righteously awesome. Dear motorist: Did you not see the stickers. Do you think I have time to just put stickers on things. I'm trying to save the world from people like you.

Just think of all the great places you could see and be seen on this bike:

1. An Obama rally

2. A Ron Paul rally

3. Rally's

4. Miscellaneous

The possibilities are endless.

This bike will get you laid. If you ride this bike around Audobon Park at 1 in the morning without pants on, dudes will literally knock you off of your bike to try to blow you.

This bike is a freewheel fixed gear, because you're a fucking monster and you have one speed, and that speed is +/- 15mph.

A seat comes with the bike, but is not pictured. If you want, you can ride the bike without the seat to simulate the stick you have up your ass about which Pavement album is best, which political cause that matters to you most intermittently, or about whatever it is that you "do."

SAFETY FEATURES

This bike is Japanese and comes with four distinct safety features:

Safety Feature #1: front brakes only. Because you're not about to conform to anyone's preconceived notions of how a bike should stop.

Safety Feature #2: Quick release back wheel. I took this bike to Mike the Bike Guy on Magazine to get a tune up once, and he refused to work on it because of this Safety Feature. He said it was a "Frankenstein bike." I asked him if he didn't agree that Frankenstein was a literary masterpiece. I thought that after losing that argument he might be a gentleman and agree to tune up the bike for free, but he remained all pissy and still refused to work on it, even for money.

The next time I went in to Mike the Bike Guy on Magazine was to get air. I was all, hey MTBG, can I get some air? He was all yes. It was clear that we both believed that air is a free resource that should not be commodified. Common ground. He pointed me toward his air machine. Everything seemed cool. When I realized that the nozzle didn't fit my bike's tires, I was all, hey MTBG, how does this nozzle go on? He looked at me, turned around, took two steps toward the back of the room, and let out a loud SIGH. I couldn't blame him. I work with people too, and sometimes they ask me questions because they don't know things and I am the paid expert on the exact things they don't know and I am standing right next to them, and I have to humiliate them in front of others before I answer them, too. It's all just part of the job.

Safety Feature #3: Helmet. That's my helmet. You can ride in a painter's cap and pretend to be smart at the same time, but you're not fooling anyone.

Safety Feature #4: Welding fix at seat joint. When this joint came loose, the bike was deemed horribly unsafe. When I welded it back together, it became safe again, therefore: safety feature. It's supersturdy now; I welded it to fuck and back. I painted the welding joint green because I was feeling creative and I don't have to explain my art to anyone.

Safety Feature #5: Apparently this bike has really nice rims. I am listing this under Safety Features because I feel that less-nice rims would probably make the bike marginally less safe.

Safety Feature $6: Earthquake proof.

$180 or best offer. Cash is fine. Your parents can PayPal me directly. Or see below:

I'm totally into creative trades (this part is actually serious). Musical instruments (serious - esp synths and pedals); original art (serious); US Currency (for srsly); leisure suits (I'm 6'1'', 180, with long arms and broad shoulders. Let's stick with dark colors - I'm kind of pale and I don't like to look washed out); real estate/underwater mortgages (4realz dogg); antique firearms (I promise I won't trade you the bike and then shoot you with what was previously your firearm in order to steal my bike back and sell it again, although wouldn't that be ironic, or would it, I don't know, we use the word incorrectly so often that I'm not sure it matters); casual sex. Show me what you got.

*[EDIT: dig on this? The author has a rap band called Sex Party: facebook.com/sexpartymusic, @FFFFFF_SexParty]*

Location: Bywater

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via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nor/2896467643.html

Pain in the ass mini donkey

Precocious seven year old with a penchant for opening gates, army-crawling under fences and waking up the neighbors at ungodly hours.

Loves to be groomed by everyone but the one that feeds him. Demands a king's ransom in the finest hay (only to pee all over anything that might hit the ground). Enjoys regular visits from the vet and farrier (as he routinely causes such a fuss that I need to reschedule).

Thoroughly loves (to chase and maim) dogs and other furry critters. Gets along well with pasture mates (that can out maneuver his back hooves).

Trailers well (probably).

Gelded, though would happily do again.

Potential homes will be thoroughly screened (for video cameras so I can make a clean get away).

Contact with questions.

Fine Print (added 3/12): Despite my big talk here, Donkey is in no danger of being sent to auction or sold to some traveling band of indoor basketball players. I am looking for a home that can give him a job, career or provide that springboard and mentorship into political office. I am not selling him for money, nor am I looking to offload him onto some hoarding situation or Enumclaw funny farm. However, I am asking the same of you and requesting that he be returned if you can no longer care/feed/vet/entertain him. Or, if you find your herd some morning curled up, whimpering and begging for a swift exorcism of the demon donkey. I will do a site visit and check farrier and vet references. If, after reading this not so fine print - you still think you have the perfect fit, please drop me a line.

Location: W. Pierce County

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/2888886770.html