Most useless blog in the world: July 2013

It was last Saturday and I was at the bar. My shitty boss made me work late Friday and then early Saturday morning. Then I was laid off at the end of the day. Needless to say I was pretty upset and in need of a good long night at the bar.

I got there straight from work at 6.30 and sat at the bar. You were a few stools down and there was a few people between us. About 11.30 there was only a few of us left and you moved down to the stool next to me and we casually chatted for the next hour before you started making advances at me. First off, I was very drunk at this point. That's important for you to understand.

Now, one of two things went horribly wrong here. Either I was so drunk that anything I said was impossible to understand or you were too drunk to put two and two together. You see, when I kept saying things like "thank you but I'm not like that" and "I'm not gay" it's because I thought you were a man. So naturally when you(who I thought was a man) tried to kiss me I believed it was time to fight and I punched you. I admit I SHOULD NOT have tried any wwe moves after that but I'm not a very good fighter and I was in attack mode.

Enter the large biker type guys playing pool in the back. If I would have known they were your brothers, I would've made out with you even if I thought you were a dude. Long story short, I hope that my 3 broken ribs and my missing tooth(it's right in the front by the way) are enough to make us even. I would still like to be friends and hopefully we can look back on this and laugh one day. I don't want to date but we can drink beer and lift weights or fish or something. Hope to hear from you

Location: Tampa area

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tpa/3863194747.html

Girl in my apt who saw me fall down my stairwell naked. - m4w

I dont know why this would be necessary, but we live in building located by Addison/Lakeshore.

And I've seen you before and you have seen me. About a month ago we had a talk as we both got our mail about getting a dog and my thought was; Hey, become friends with this girl, then woo her into a relationship and start a family, etc.

Well today, or this morning rather, the worst thing happened and I am literally hating myself.

Yes I am one of the few assholes who actually gets the newspaper delivered to my apartment (so I can clean my windows and start Bon Fires easier). What's more, I sleep naked. Judge me all you want but it's just what I do. I'm like a caveman I suppose. I'll continue...

Walking around this morning as I used my morning wood to hold up my IPad, I picked up some things here and there then looked out my eye hole to see my paper was delivered but about 10 feet from my door, right by the start of where the stairs decend. It was early, so I didn't fear getting caught and being as it was laundry day I just didn't want to calculate the energy it would take to get sorta dressed just to get the stupid Trib. And so, with my eyes still blury from my deep sleep the night before, I spring out of my door to grab the paper. I had been planning to lean over and grab it and then run back inside. You know that thing where you lean over and one foot comes up while the other stays on the floor? Regardless of the dangers involved exposing your butthole this close to Boys Town especially if you work out as I do, it still seemed like a simple maneuver.

Sadly, I did not execute it that well. And though you are partly to blame, I am not mad at you. Ya see here is what you need to know. The minute, the exact minute I grabbed the paper, the door to your apartment at the bottom of the stairs shut, quite loudly I must say. I was so caught off guard I kept leaning forward as my brain struggled to make sense of the physical nature I was involved in. Meanwhile, my body essentially decided to do a cartwheel, then a somersault, then a backwards somersault, followed by an almost flawless swan pose for a second or two (I just went with it), whereupon I concluded the fall down the stairs completely naked with botched backflip, one that somehow left your face in the area I use to excrete the byproducts of metabolizing food.

Struggling to get up, as you screamed, I hit my head on the bottom of a fire extinguisher metallic compartment, and honestly, the alone hurt like a mother. Bleeding at the crown of my eye, blood poured down to my forehead and face as my one foot caught in the railing as well as your Dolce Gabana Light Blue perfume made it extremely difficult to get off you. Not sure how, but somehow, someway, my morning wood was still prevalent and I know this is the wrong time to make note of it, but right then and there I chalked it up to a recent increase I'm Fiber.

Who knows?

It doesn't matter how this all ended. And any way, the detective seemed more suspicious of the fact I still read that the newspaper more so than my bad luck, but no charges were pressed. I heard you were taken to Rush Hospitals "Where PPO's mean more" to be evaluated for some sort of shock or post traumatic stress which was ironic because in a way you were probably stressed out just from me falling on you naked! Right? Noting this weird occurrence to our building manager, he shook his head and asked if I had read Of Mice And Men. I said no to which he replied I should be treated like the idiot ae the end of the story. I am guessing this was the novel that was made into Forrest Gump? I dunno... Whatever. Look, I live right upstairs. Come over after work and let's listen to some CCR and see where the Franzia takes us.

Your Neighbor,

Kevin

Location: Lakeview aka Mehhh...

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/3849512133.html

Extra Large Cow Flavored Dog Bed

A friendly note from your local porn shop worker-Rant

Dear porn shop/adult store/lingerie boutique customers, here are some fabulous tips on how to not completely irritate me, the poor employee just barely keeping her rage in check behind the counter, also some etiquitte on how to behave in case your mother didn't teach you.

1. For the loud obnoxious 18-25 year olds. Yes I will readily admit that when I see a herd of you coming straight for my door I roll my eyes and groan. First of all lose the fucking attitude when I ask to see your ID. No not your high school id/college id/birth certificate...I need a state issued ID, passports/military ID will also work fine. If you do not have proper identification on your sorry bitch ass, I will, with great pleasure, ask you to leave. Don't get snippy because you haven't been asked before, I AM asking you now, and if you look under the age of 40 I am required to.

Why is it that young kids think it makes them look cooler when they laugh REALLY loud and yell everything at one another. It makes you look pathetic and desperate for approval from your peers. Not to mention it scares away my legitimate customers who would have actually purchased something, had your dumbasses not shown up. Plus you rarely buy anything, probably for fear that daddy's princess will get caught with an illicit purchase on the credit card he no doubt pays for. So please, conduct yourselves as adults when you come in.

2. The fucktard mothers that want to bring their baby/toddler shopping. You bitches have got to be kidding me. IT'S AN ADULT STORE! There are penises everywhere. Do you really want your infant seeing that? Oh wait, ya you guys don't care because as long as you get to come shop for lingerie and dildos, you're happy as little clams. Fuck you. Your baby cannot come in. Don't have a tantrum when I tell you this either. Babysitters were created for a reason, use one!

3. Theifs...you douchebags truly are the bane of my existance. When you steal from me, I actually get bitched at by management. Regardless of the fact that I am alone, busy, and trying to get the store tidied up. Have you morons also failed to realize we have a surveillance system that could rival the pentagon? Seriously I see you put that shit up your shirt, and I'm locking you in and calling Spokane's Finest before you even are done attempting to conceal whatever lube/massage oil/vibrator you decided was worth going to jail for. Which is exactly where you will be going and the owner of my job really likes to press charges, not to mention has equipped his employees with tasers strong enough to take down a water buffalo. Don't fuck with me. That pair of crotchless panties isn't worth it I promise.

4. Don't be nervous about your purchase. Seriously I will not remember you 5 minutes after you walk out the door. You young guys don't need to stare at the pocket pussys for an hour before leaving empty handed. Just buy the thing. I don't give a fuck I promise. Older ladies who are too embarrassed to ask for help, dude chill out. Just tell me what you are looking for so we can both be done with this unpleasant experience. You are the one making this awkward.

5. My darling porn guys, you are great breed of customer for the most part. You come in quietly, find your dvd, and get the hell out. It works well for everyone involved. However there are a few of you that like to "browse" for 2 fucking hours. That is a bit much don't you think? Please just come into the store with a general idea of what you want to jerk it to...cause I have to wait for your fickle ass to leave before I can have a cigarette.

6. Stoners.

You are a wonderful group of customers. You are always pleasant, laugh at my jokes, and usually make a purchase. My only complaint is that at times your guys smell like you're carrying a dead skunk around with you. Roll down your car windows and febreeze friends! Good lord ya'll reek sometimes.

7. Ok this one is bound to piss off some people but IDGAF! At my adult store we try to carry things for the BBW shopper...aka Fatty Friendly store. However please be reasonable when shopping. Lingerie runs small k? I wear a size SM and 6/8 pant at normal stores, at my work I wear a large and usually cannot pull off the boxed lingerie. So no need to scream, cry, or freak out when I recommend that your 240lb ass may not fit into a size medium. Also NO, I do not feel like taking 30 minutes to try to squeeze all your rolls into a corset. Hun, it's not going to help, you will just look like a walrus in rubber bands. Please let me put you in shit that will fit. Your man doesn't care what the tag says, but he will care if you have more rolls than pillsbury coming out of lingerie that is too small.

Please note that for the most part I like my job. It is not my calling in life, but pays the bills while I sort out my 20's a bit. I really do like most of my customers, and enjoy helping others find ways to have a more fulfillng sex life. If you all come in and treat myself and my coworkers with kindness, respect, and are not terrified of us, we will do our best to make it the easiest shopping experience of your life. To the aforementioned groups of people I was ranting about, well you know who you are, fix your shit and come back and see me. I don't remember you anyway.

Love and Furry Handcuffs

Location: Spokane

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/spk/3841434831.html

Sick-Ass 88' Mazda B2200

Hippie Palace

Drunk girl on my lawn - m4w

There I was, just yesterday, I can remember it so clearly. I woke up around 2 AM to take a nice fat leak when I noticed your squeeky giggle outside of my window. I looked out my window half naked as an odd mix of shock, disgust, pity and blush washed over me.

Not only were you a stunning redhead just a little shorter then me with, what looked like, a curtain and drapery matching combo, but you were also taking a dump and piss on my lawn at the same time. For that I have to give you props, I don't think I've ever achieved that level of toilet mastery.

I immediately came out to see if you were alright or needed a ride home, seeing as this town isn't exactly well suited for, what I'm guessing to be, an 18-21 drunk girl at 2 in the morning, but me coming out in a bathrobe and asking apparently scared you because you started running with a turd still sticking out of your ass and dove headfirst into my car, leaving a dent in it.

I told you to hold on as I was gonna shut off the car alarm and get you an ice pack but I'm not sure if you heard. What I am sure of though is that you sat on the trunk of my car smearing shit all over it, took off your shoes, left your half full smirnoff bottle and ran like hell.

Normally I wouldn't let a girl shit all over my things and put a dent in my car until we've gotten on a first name basis but for you I think we could work it out. You know where I live.

Location: Modesto Ca

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mod/3781647774.html

2 Dozen Free Goats

I have 2 dozen goats I need to get rid of. I had no idea raising goats would be this hard. These little bastards keep eating all my wife's flowers and climbing on our goddamn cars. Nobody told me they were such good climbers. The first person to get these damn goats out of here can have them.

850-570-0810

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tal/3860772679.html

Free Parachute

FREE THINGS

Deep in Mid City, two lesbians are fighting about furniture, paint colors, and wall hangings.

Who wins?

You do!

We are redecorating. And compromising. So her ugly chest of drawers and my piece of shit TV are on the curb for your taking pleasure!

We are also putting out a broken elliptical. Because, apparently, I'd "never get it fixed" and even if I did I "would never use it". Whatever.

The TV is on the porch so it doesn't get rained on like her ambition.

You get:

TV

Chest of Drawers

Broken Elliptical

I get:

Her ex-boyfriend's painting on the wall

A dining room table that is NOT centered in the living area

Boobs

Ok, I guess I win too.

131 S Cortez (google map) (yahoo map)

Location: Mid City

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

via Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nor/3783671142.html